Bored?

Our children are growing up in times when there’s plenty to do. Their brains are continuously stimulated by toys at home, electronics such as DVD players, video games, and smart phones even in the cars.Theres lots of ‘pressure’ to be ‘included’ with other children. All of that fills up their day with activities where they can make more friends. With an effort to get socially acceptable, they end up hopping from one activity to the other with a desire to excel in each. During this up bringing, a subtle message of ‘achievement’ is given to our children. Doing well in all the activities , being ‘liked’ by everyone, becomes a measure that unfortunately children begin to gauge themselves against. In this process, we are training our kids to stay away from ‘loneliness’ because  that word itself carries a negative aura along with it which has the potential of developing into major problems later on in life. We know that we cannot fabricate their future entirely but we can certainly  try and equip them with skills to keep themselves occupied and busy while they make the right choices in their lives and feel accomplished in the decisions they take. And dedication of ours fills up their day a little too much.

In today’s fast paced societies all activities – social, educational and entertaining, are very carefully chosen by parents in order to ensure that their children never feel ‘bored’. Little do they realize that what they are unconsciously doing is training their children to not be able to deal with ‘nothing to do’ time. In reality, each one of us will encounter a time in our lives when we have practically nothing to do. And what we end up overlooking is that children need to develop comfort with themselves. They need to be comfortable in their own company without the electronic world supporting them. Authentic happiness is derived by any human being when they are completely content to be on their own. Having dreams and ambitions is one thing. Of course it’s worth all the effort to work towards accomplishing these dreams but something we also need to provide is ‘alone’ time. Most children would be uncomfortable and restless with ‘aloneness’ and would continue to announce that they are ‘bored’. This word only magnifies with age into loneliness. Part of a very significant training is to allow for some quiet spare time everyday when they do not have anything to do. It is important to make this a time of zero expectations, a time when a child can develop some introspection. This too needs to start early in life. There needs to a place where they are in a peaceful, non-stimulating setting where they develop awareness of themselves. I personally recommend having at least one clutter free room in the house with absolutely minimal furniture and absolutely no toys or electronics. This can be a place where the family can just be – alone or together  – but without any external stimulation or distraction what so ever.

This develops self-confidence like no other training. A child who is aware and comfortable with one self develops into a much more self confident adult. Such individuals develop relationships without depending on them. They develop attachment without the fear of loss or loneliness. They are able to maintain relationships without the unnecessary suspicion or jealousy. It gives them a feeling of worth without always having to feel ‘accepted’ or worrying about being seen with people at all times. This way they develop a sense of security and in turn learn to keep their expectations from others lower as well. This leads to a happier life with lower levels of disappointment. It keeps them away from a craving of being accepted or being helped or supported by others. That’s of course not to say that they will not accept support or help in times of need. It only curbs the wantingness of completeness through the approval  of others.

In truth , we all came alone into this world and will leave alone. In between we train ourselves and our children to want, cling, possess, attach, and belong to others for happiness. It all works out great while we continue to get what we desire. And then we continue to want, cling, possess, attach  and belong even more. This goes on and on to an unending extent unless we decide to put in the effort to train ourselves and our children to be content by being ‘alone’. Only once we know ourselves and are at ease with ourselves can we feel confident and comfortable treading on any path that we choose to. Freeing up some time from our children’s lives prepares them for this reality without being ‘bored’ every time they have a few minutes to do ‘nothing’. The sooner we get this word out of their lives, the better it is for them.

Being a non-attached parent

How ‘non-attached’ can parents be? While we love our kids so much, we want everything that we believe is the best for them. We nurture desires for them to achieve, we support them in striving towards these and feel extremely proud and happy of their accomplishments. Nothing wrong with it at all. Yeah, there is a possibility that they may not come right up to our expectations of them but we continue to re-align our expectation so the we don’t get disappointed. One little problem though, who is our real child? What are their real characteristics?

Essentially what we are doing is that in the name of love, we are binding our children into an ‘image’ of them that sits in our minds. We build this ‘image’, know it much better than what’s ‘out there’ which happens to be our real child. We nurture dreams about this ‘image’ that’s within us, ‘support’ or try to transform our real child to fit into this ‘image’ that we have created. If they do something that does not necessarily belong with this ‘image’, we get upset and angry, especially if this happens unannounced. A simple example could be that this ‘image’ of our growing child is a willing helper at home and if he refuses to ‘mow the lawn’ for whatever reason, we get upset and angry about it. Because what we have done, is gotten attached to this ‘image’ of our child that sits in our mind. To make things worse, we have unknowingly attached ourselves to this ‘image’ as well. So now, we have trapped ourselves with the ‘image’ of our child. We now take ownership of the expectations that we set, get anxious about these and suffer if they don’t get fulfilled. Ever wondered why children are not as often disappointed in their parents as parents are in their kids? May be, because children love their parents in a non-attached manner. Because they don’t attach themselves to the tangible and non-tangible things about their parents. They expect less than what they love . Similarly, if we are able to have a non-attached view of our children as individuals, we not only nurture their real characteristics but also liberate ourselves from the emotions that attachment is usually associated with.

While we strive for this ‘non-attached’ extreme, which is almost impossible, we can hopefully find a comfortable midway where only the positives of attachment stay with us. We as parents can still feel happy in their success and proud of their accomplishments but liberate ourselves from the negatives such as annoyance, disappointment and suffering. While we get busy finding this mid-point, our children find ways of growing up and building skills that really define who they are. While we are willing to give up something that we believe is vital to our happiness, our children find personal ways of staying happy. The end result, I have to admit, is much more satisfying – a learned non-attached happiness that is not perceived as ‘forced upon’ by the kids.

Perhaps this is why non-attachment is now recognized as a management/leadership skill besides already being an essential ingredient of medical training and other life-saving professions. It is about time parenthood recognizes the importance of this skill to nurture and sustain healthy growth which is free of selfish desires.

Digital Parenting

A new dimension has recently been added to parenting. Up until now, it was well defined by good nutrition, good exercise, good education and good moral values, all delivered and packaged into instructions, handed over to us by our previous generations. As parents, we know what is right for our children and all that was needed was involvement and lots of love and care to build upon each of these dimensions, uniquely catered to our child’s needs, in an environment hand picked by us. And now comes the ‘digital’ world. Suddenly we have something that was not handed down to us by our parents. In fact, our children are savvier and more connected via the digital world than we are. More than any other generation has ever been. They have an immense exposure to information, technology and social media such as email, chat, networking and buzz. So now parenting has a whole new dimension – Digital Parenting.

          My brother was surprised to see me – a completely non techy person, so involved in facebook and other social networking sites. Come to think of it, how do we really make major decisions in the lives of children? Consider buying a house. We first short list a few houses based on our research. We drive around the neighborhood to get feel for the environment. We then meet some neighbors to understand the ‘culture’ so to speak. When deciding upon a school, we take tour of the school, meet with the administrators, teachers and possibly other students. Essentially like anything else in life, we are using our good judgment coupled with experience to ‘pick’ the right choice for our child. And once the choice is made, a well guided learning process begins, showing them how to observe, analyze, absorb, and respond to the new neighborhood and the school. Now the next step is to stay involved all along and watch for signs of stress or any kind of negative behaviors or attitudes that you can warn and protect your child from. Sense them ahead of time and help your child understand how to deal with them. Now switching to the new digital parenting, we need to do the exact same things.

          We need to stay aware of what’s available out there, we need to use it, find out what’s on it, how people use it, understand the ‘culture’ so to speak. Stay involved, look for signs of stress, addiction, or any misuse. As parents we need to bundle up our insight and expand it to the vast, limitless digital world, to make room for our children and guide them how to use it beneficially – something that we learn first hand. It sounds almost fake, but in the virtual world as well, we need to be alive, felt and heard just the same as in the physical world. We need to develop that richness of digital experience just the same as in the physical world. We need to understand the consequences of digital mistakes, and how to correct and learn from them. How we take out time for it without getting addicted to it ourselves, is an example we set for our children. The thought that we still have the responsibility to set an example for the next generation and to guide them vs they teaching us or conducting courses on technology for the ‘parent generation’ , is actually a comforting thought.

          For those parents who derive satisfaction in being able to stay ahead of the curve, Digital Parenting is now an inevitable reality.

Making Decision makers out of our kids

Every moment that we spend with a child, a decision is made. From larger decisions to smaller ones, we devote a lot of our time to making the right decisions for our kids and we all yearn for the day when our children will grow up to have good judgment themselves. So what can we do to make them self reliant and good decision makers? What can we do to instill good values that truly form the basis of all determination? Like any other skill this too needs nurturing and needs the attention for its development. It is something that grows with your child and sometimes involves our growth as well. A step-by-step approach that may require fine tuning to fit each child’s unique level, is presented here.

1. Choose to let go: We should let go of certain choices that mean a lot to our children and not as much to us. Selection about what to do right now, read a book, solve a puzzle, watch TV, or dance to music is choice worth letting go, because it means a whole lot to your child. Trying to take control of every minute of their lives only makes them more dependent on us. No matter what the age of the child, they like to make these decisions. Just as a gardener does not try to make the seed sprout, he knows without a doubt, that it will happen because that is the natural instinct of the seed. The same way, once we let go, children naturally start developing good judgment.

2. Give their decisions enough attention: They are still children and they look for your approval. During the process of decision making as well as when the options are being weighed, they like to know that they have your attention. On the one hand we are letting go, but on the other hand it should not be interpreted as indifference. Show interest in what they are thinking, ask questions, nod your head, and discuss various options and their related outcomes.

3. Have no doubts on their capabilities: This whole process of loosening the strings a little bit not only helps us understand the way our children think, but also help us witness their maturity. More parents underestimate the decision making capabilities of their children rather than overestimate them. If we are willing to observe, our children have a unique way of thinking through a problem, and coming up with a solution that may refresh our minds as well. We need to have that faith, just like a letter does not need to be sent twice, we know that the message will be delivered. Similarly, we must have confidence that once we let go and give them our attention, good judgment will come.

4. Do not attach yourself to the outcome: A little flexibility, a little detachment with the outcome does wonders to this skill that you are developing in your child. We all have a tendency to let the child think through a problem as long as somehow, they end up with the solution that we have predetermined in our mind. We tend to congratulate them if it matches what we had originally thought and continue to work with them if it is even slightly different from what we expected. That’s where we need to fine tune ourselves. You can witness miraculous results once you let go of your attachment to the outcome and let your child stay with the decision they have chosen to make.

Once they begin to reap the harvest of what they sow, they will develop likes and dislikes of their own, and they will learn to make better choices each time as opportunity comes their way. The sooner they learn, to make mistakes, the sooner, they will learn to recover from them. Let them make those choices while you can protect and support them. Incidentally, this is also the time of their life when we are willing to give them our full attention and they are looking towards you for guidance. It does not get any better than that. Don’t make all the choices for them.

Resonance

Resonance is evident in the fact that human mind reacts to a setting. It is the law of nature that brings about harmony and it is something we are naturally designed for. It is materialized in the fact that we set up various rooms in our homes for various purposes. In our home, for example, our family room is filled up with board games, magazines and a comfortable couch. The vibrations of the room also set the tone for our cozy, playful mood, which completely resonates with the space. Our family shares a lot of laughter, and fun times in this room. We don’t wait to be asked to join in, we all just naturally seem to gravitate towards this rhythm of the room. Our dining space on the other hand, is set up to bring out the sparrows in us. We seem to get chirpy and begin to share the day’s happenings in this space. Basically each room has it’s own setting, it’s own tones, it’s own character, it’s own vibes that stimulate our thought and intuit our energies in it’s own unique way.

The awareness and understanding of this concept can allow each family to define a space in their homes where certain activities are ‘generally done’. It creates spaces where certain family values can be emphasized and invoked if necessary. If this is done earlier on, when our children are still young, they grow to resonate with these settings as well. Up until 8 years of age, as defined in the Indian culture, the child’s mind is moldable into cultural and moral compositions of the family. It begins when, each time a baby is held warmly close to his mother, his heartbeat dissolves into that of his mother in order to follow the law of resonance. These chimes continue as the child begins to grow and bloom in their own special way. This very pulse, in their adolescent years, provides them relief from the confusion that starts to develop in their minds. They derive comfort from each space in their home as all the settings begin to show their significance. This is also a time when parents need to develop resonance with their children’s thoughts and feelings. A common setting such as prayer room with a theme melody of truth, helps connect and hold onto the vibrations that were originally emphasized in life.

Naturally our minds and bodies look for rhythms of waves in our surroundings, to tune ourselves with. That is the ultimate reality which when noticed can be harmoniously applied to the upbringing of children to create symphony in family life. 

A Jigsaw Puzzle

     It is a well understood fact that as human beings, our actions are driven by our need for love and belonging, power, freedom or fun. If we can begin to identify all actions with one or more of these causes, a reverse theory comes into action. Not only do we begin to get a better understanding of our own motivations, but we also understand what drives the people around us.

      Considering our own children , for example, understanding their personality vs trying to keep them happy through their demanding wants, can be quite a distinguishing factor. Recognizing what makes them happy, takes on a whole new approach. As parents, we've all encountered situations where we have to say 'No' to our children. Many times it reduces to just an ego battle more than anything else. If we do not allow things, they feel restrained. If we allow too much, we begin to evaluate ourselves as parents. If we set the rules, we only get disappointments in return and we tend to feel a loss of authority. The above theory helps us pick our battles right. Analyzing what is the dominating need in our child, is it  love and belonging, or is it power, or is it freedom or just fun. It gives us 'negotiating' powers in many situations which end up being mere 'trade offs'. They might want something really desperately which could be something that you're not willing to give. Knowing what the causing need is, empowers us to suggest the right alternatives, or in some cases it could means taking away a related privilege. 

    Once we learn this skill of analyzing and applying , it has an amazing effect on the growth of the child and also on our own peace of mind. Extrapolating this very concept to our workplace helps us get the best out of our co-workers or makes us more effective managers. Socially, as well, once we train our minds for this exercise, it is only a matter of time and the world around us starts to fit in like the pieces of a jigsaw puzzle. 

A gifted society through gifted children

The best gift that we can give to our gifted child is our attention. For that matter all children deserve that gift from us. And our return gift is of course the pleasure of discovering their personality as it unfolds. As Albert Einstein puts it, “The intuitive mind is a sacred gift and the rational mind is a faithful servant. We have created a society that honors the servant and has forgotten the gift.” Our dedication as adults to restore that gift, can do wonders for the next generation society. We need our attention to discover if routine is the key of our child’s future or is it destroying our child’s potential. We need our judicious mind to determine a structure that will ascertain our child’s innovation through logical thinking.

          Some children will give their best in a large setting while others will unfold in a smaller one. And to establish that, the important thing is to not stop listening, touching, sensing and feeling what our child feels. It’s our greatest opportunity to live those years again, to see things as they see them, to hear the music that they dance to, and speak the same language that they do, It’s our opportunity to discover their talents that yes, we expected them to have and rejoice the surprises that we receive all along. It’s our window to a whole new world with greater enthusiasm and wisdom. It’s our opportunity to discover the gift that our child is born with and the gift that has been bestowed upon us. Once we start to feel what our child feels, they too begin to feel what we feel. It is mutual, the respect, the affection, the awareness and the gratitude. Both generations begin to live in harmony with the sole exhilaration of achievement.

          And that alone sets the stage for inspiration, development, excellence and unimaginable revolution. If each one of us plays our role of being a sensitive adult, we’ve set the foundation for a gifted society.